A Very Umbridge Sequel
by gypsy rosalie
Summary: Very Potter Musical/Sequel. Umbridge's fears that she's getting 'chubby' turn out to be something more wonderful...her Mama WOULD be pleased! But can she straighten out her own chil'rens? And will that Harry Potter and his friends ever leave her alone?
1. Not coitus nor snapdragons

**Yaaay, AVPM/S fic! AVPM belongs to Starkid, the original idea for Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. Nothing belongs to me. Not even a pack of redvines at the moment :(**

**Just a warning: This is based on the MUSICALS not the books or movies. If you haven't seen them, you probably won't understand this.**

**This is set during the first musical, so timeline-wise, it's after the sequel. If that makes sense.**

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><p>Harry Potter had a serious problem. His guitar-playing, singing, generally-Harry-Potter-being lifestyle was threatened by the upcoming Triwizard Tournament- how was he supposed to defeat that dragon?<p>

'According to my research,' Hermione said as the three wandered down towards the forest, 'dragons…'

'You know, we'd be more likely to listen to what you had to say if you were hot, Herman,' Ron butted in, 'and Harry doesn't want geeky advice from _books. _Here, Harry,' the redhead reached into his pocket and pulled out a familiar blue packet. 'Have a redvine. If they can't help you win the Tournament, I don't know what will!'

By this time, the trio had reached the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. Ron, happily munching on his favourite snack, gulped.

'Uh, guys?' Harry said, clutching his guitar closer, 'why'd we come here? Isn't the forest full of…you know, scary stuff?'

Ron's grip on his pack of redvines tightened. 'It is?'

'We're going in the Forbidden Forest,' Hermione huffed indignantly, 'cause we need to find a way to defeat the dragon- for a first line of attack we can ask Hagrid, and then if that doesn't work…'

'**Humans**!' a silky and rather dignified voice boomed, and the three jumped out of their skins and whirled around. A tall creature strode out from the trees, long white hair and tail glistening.

'It's Firenze!' Harry, Ron and Hermione chorused, 'our centaur friend!'

'Friends!' Firenze held up his hands, 'you must come forth and help me- my human woman is in great distress, and we cenchaurs know not how to assuage her.'

'Uh, what?' Ron said, his brow furrowed and a half-chewed redvine hanging out of his mouth.

'Human woman?' Harry asked, 'what human woman?'

'The one you know as Umbridge,' the centaur replied gravely. The three children shuddered as one. _Oh, __**that**__ human woman…_

'The fair maiden whom was once your security officer…'

'UMBRIDGE? _FAIR?_' Harry and Ron exclaimed, earning a glare from Hermione. Firenze went on as though they hadn't spoken.

'Oh yes, our fair Umbridge has been in high dudgeon for nigh on two weeks, and not even snapdragons and coitus can cheer her up…' (Harry and Ron screwed up their faces at the mental image) 'So you see, you humans must come forth and ascertain what is wrong with her. You know these emotions better than we cenchaurs do.'

'Thanks, Firenze, but no thanks!' Harry said, 'See, last yaer Umbridge made our school lives hell, she insulted my parents' memory, tried to beat my friends, tried to kill me- _me_, Harry Freaking Potter!' he put a hand to his heart at the horror of it all, 'No offence, Firenze, but your girlfriend's kinda not my favourite person. Anyway, I got problems of my own right now- I got the Triwizard Tournament coming up, and I gotta figure out how to beat this dragon…'

_Ding! Ding!_

'Oh, no…' Firenze whipped out his mobile phone. 'It's a text from Umbridge!'

The trio could understand the centaur's fear- Umbridge could text with a vengeance.

'_Where'd you go, Umbridge not happy,' _Firenze read aloud, 'colon, left parenthesis…oh no!' he turned the phone on its side to get a better look at the emoticon. 'A sad face! Oh, Harry Potter!' he said, his angelic centaur face betraying his worry, 'I beseech you to come help my human. A sad face, I have come to understand, represents the emotion of sadness…'

'Come on, guys,' Hermione piped up. 'I know we hate Umbridgem but Firenze is a great guy and all magical creatures deserve to be happy! In fact, I'm thinking of starting a society devoted to making centaurs' lives better- I call it the Committee for the Rehabilitation of Abused Ponies, the only problem is, the abbreviation for that is…'

'Okay, okay!' Harry said, daunted by the prospect of having to sign another of Hermione's petitions, 'I'm goin'!'

Grumbling, he slung his guitar over his shoulder and started towards Firenze.

'Oh, fine, I'll go if Harry goes,' Ron moaned, stuffing another three redvines in his mouth for comfort and running to join him.

'Ah, my friends,' Firenze beamed, 'we cenchaurs are most grateful. Oh, and Hermione, the friend you call Draco will be ever so pleased to see you!'

'Draco?' Hermione suddenly went very pale. 'Change of plans, guys, I'm not coming!'

'Hermione!' Harry whinged, 'going to see Umbridge was your idea in the first place! Why don't you wanna go?'

'Uhm,' Hermione began, taking a step back, 'I just remembered, I got a lotta studying to do…in the library! Yeah, that's it!'

Ron waggled his eyebrows. 'Oh yeah? You're just scared of a diaper baby like Draco Malfoy!'

Hermione drew herself up to her full height. 'I am not!'

'Are too…' Ron challenged.

'Guys, guys,' Harry pushed between them, 'Nobody's paying enough attention to me! Anyway, we all know that Malfoy in the forest isn't the same Malfoy we know and hate right now! He saved us from those Death Eaters, and he helped us go back in time…sure he's a stalker around Hermione, and sure he's a diaper baby, but we promised Firenze we'd go, and now we gotta do it, even if we don't want to.'

'Gosh, you're so wise, Harry,' Ron said, his voice burning with admiration.

'Hey,' Harry grinned, 'they don't call me Harry Freakin' Potter for nothing! Now let's go help our centaur friend!' And with that the trio set off for the Centaur Tree Village.

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><p><strong>I know it's short so far, but I have the whole thing planned out and I will try to update regularly. What's wrong with Umbridge? What does colon, left parenthesis really mean? Can redvines help Harry solve his problem? Tune in next time.<strong>

**Also, redvines to all those who review, and giant Hershey's bars to anyone who can tell me, for bonus points, what the acronym for Hermione's centaur protection club is XD**


	2. Haven't had a cheesecake in years

**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! I less than three you all!**

**Redvines to Misora-Massacre who favourited, and also to ChloeFromMackMalls, PC and Shaley-Humdinger-the-3rd, who also all get giant Hershey's bars for getting the acronym. And PC, to answer your specific question...REDVINES! :D**

**Now, on with the next chapter in which all your questions..._may_ be answered. Oh yeah, and one of Umbridge's frequently used words is bleeped out intentionally, just like it was in the play XD**

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><p>To say Dolores Umbridge was unhappy would be an understatement indeed. The strong, once indestructible wo-man was sitting in the dirt, pink dress covered in leaves and mud, tear after tear streaming down her face.<p>

'No, Umbridge,' she said to herself sternly, 'you don't cry…you _don't cry_…you're a strong wo-man, you don't…yes you do!' a fresh round of tears burst forth. 'I'm a chubby lil ****! That's all I am, a chubby lil ****!'

The clopping sound of hooves stopped the ex-security officer short, and she looked up to see her 'little pony' standing before her, his face a picture of concern.

'My human maiden,' he said, kneeling down so his face was the same level as hers, 'why won't you divulge what ails you?'

Umbridge looked up and sniffled. 'Did you get my text?' she demanded.

'Indeed,' Firenze replied, pulling his phone out to show her. 'The colon, left parenthesis you sent greatly saddened my heart…'

'You di'n text me back,' she glared at him.

The centaur put a hand to his heart. 'so I didn't. Let me apologise, my fair human, I forgot the importance of the emotion you humans know as texting…' he punched a few buttons on his mobile and smiled as Umbridge's own, ghastly pink phone lit up and began to ring.

In a swift movement, the wo-man had snatched it up and was checking her inbox.

She looked up at Firenze slowly, her face lighting up. 'Aww…Firenze, you do care... you do love me…' she turned the phone around to reveal a 'less than three'.

'You're such a good boyfwen…'

The centaur moved forward and wrapped his arms around her burly frame. 'What ails you, my strong one?'

'I'm…I'm a chubby lil ***!' Umbridge wailed, sobbing into his shoulder.

She felt Firenze stoking her curly head.

'You see, human friends, the woman's distress? She says that phrase time and again, but nary a cenchaur can understand the source of her trouble!'

'Well, it looks to me like she thinks she's fat,' an obnoxious sounding voice said from somewhere in the vicinity.

Umbridge jumped up. 'What are you doin' here, Harry Potter?' she growled. The one child she loathed most was standing before her, with that chubby boy who was always eating, and that Granger girl that she'd love to give a good beating to. Boy, she wanted to straighten out those three. That'd teach them to turn up in her new life in the Centaur Tree Village.

'Hey, woah, chill, Umbridge!' Harry said, 'we just came to help Firenze out and find out why you're so ticked off about being fat…'

'WHO DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE!' she roared, stomping up to him. 'You callin' me a fat girl? Is dat what you sayin'? You da fat girl!'

The three shrank back.

'No, um, what Harry's saying is…well, we just came to help you out,' Hermione quivered from beside them. Umbridge grabbed the girl and put her in a headlock.

'What you say, guurl? You three chil'rens jus' came here to disrespect your Mama, di'n you? Mah love was never enough for you young'uns, well, now you're here I'ma teach you a lesson! Watch me pop dis girl's head off with mah bicep!'

'No! You leave her alone!' Ron yelled, rushing forward in a gallant attempt to save Hermione, but when he noticed the others staring at him he dropped the redvine he was holding like a knife and took a step back.

'I mean, I know Hermione's a pain in the ass, but she doesn't deserve to die!'

A pair of arms unwound Umbridge's from around Hermione's neck, and the woman frowned but resigned herself- there was no point struggling against Firenze, the one living being stronger than she.

'Pony, dose chil'rens need to be disciplined with tough-lovin'!' she said, 'lemme at 'em!'

'Umbridge, my love,' Firenze chided gently, 'I enlisted the help of these humans- being of your own species, to ascertain how we might help you out of this depression.'

Umbridge slumped back to the ground, remembering her misery.

'Dere's nothin' anyone can do,' she said sadly, 'I'm a chubby lil ****! A chubby lil **** you hear! What would my Mama say?'

'Well, um, what have you been eating?' Hermione offered in an attempt to help.

'I haven't had a cheesecake in years!' Umbridge said, suddenly all defensive. 'Well I haven't! I'm not allowed to have cheesecake! Stop accusing me of havin' forbidden food!'

'Erm…I'm sorry?' Hermione said.

'Well you should be! A strong wo-man like me eatin' cheesecake! You should know better than to think dat, Granger. I've been eatin' like normal- just protein shakes, falcon eggs and rocks,' she insisted. 'An' I still _hoist_ everything I can find over mah head, and I do all my five hun'red pushups…so why have I gained ten pounds?'

She stood up, and now the Totally Awesome Trio could see that indeed, Umbridge had rather more of a tummy than she'd had last term.

'It is true,' Firenze affirmed, 'her routine has remained constant since the fateful day I brought her back to the village- coitus in the morning, pushups, coitus in the afternoon, strength training, coitus in the ev-'

'Eww,' Hermione said, covering her ears.

'Fireeenze,' Umbridge elbowed him, 'not in front o' the chil'rens!'

But as she spoke, something clicked in the minds of all three 'chil'rens'. Hermione shuddered, and Harry and Ron immediately burst out laughing.

'What amuses the human males so?' Firenze asked Hermione.

'Um, well…' Hermione shuffled her feet uncomfortably, 'I think we might have an answer to your question, um, do you think…' she tried to find an appropriate way to phrase her thought, 'that maybe Umbridge might, um, just possibly be…'

'**Knocked up!**' Ron yelled, and he and Harry howled with laughter again.

Both Umbridge and Firenze were shellshocked.

'Dat crazy!' Umbridge cried. 'You crazy, boy! Dat can't be…' she paused. 'Or _can_ it…'

'Awkwaaaard!' Harry sang. 'I think it's time for us to get outta here!'

'Oh, right,' Ron said, drawing out a redvine and waving it. 'Disapparate!'

'**AHH, MAGIC!'** Umbridge and Firenze shielded their eyes, and the children ran for it.

'Well, that was close,' Harry panted, as the three leaned against a tree a few hundred yards away, panting. 'That was _weird,_ can you imagine Umbridge being knocked up?'

'Well, well, well,' all of a sudden an all too familiar voice called. 'Potter, Weasley and Granger! What are _you_ doing in my neck of the woods?'

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><p><strong>Dun dun dun...okay, here's a trickier one...a whole pack of redvines if you can correctly guess who Harry and the gang have run into...<strong>

**And traditional Welcome-to-Hogwarts body shots for everyone who reviews!**

**Will Harry ever find a solution to his problem? Is Umbridge really knocked up? Find out next chapter, coming soon!**


	3. Ponies?

**Short one, but still filled with Umbridge fun as the wo-man realises something she should have ages ago...**

**Also, Welcome- to-Hogwarts- body-shots to ChloefromMackMalls for reviewing, and a pack of our favourite-way-to-say-red-wines-in-a-German-accent for guessing correctly who Harry and the gang ran into.**

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><p>'Well, well, Potter,' Draco Malfoy slid down the tree and proceeded to roll around on the ground for about ten minutes. At last, blonde hair ruffled and clothes covered with leaves, he stood up. 'We meet again. Are you jealous of my woodland life? Thinking of what you could have had, eh Granger? ' Draco waved his hand about. 'Of <em>all this<em>, you could have been mistress!'

Hermione winced. 'I think I'll pass.'

'Yeah, and none of us'd be jealous of _you_, little D,' Ron said, 'everyone knows you're a loser, and you wear a diaper, and you're a butt trumpet…'

'You stole that line from Lupin!' Harry interjected.

'Yeah, but I thought it sounded cool,' Ron waggled his eyebrows and struck what he thought was a cool pose.

'Oh, I know you're just…' Draco pushed his way in between Ron and Hermione, 'jealous, really, you just won't admit it…' he produced a very obviously fake yawn, bringing his arms up and settling one around the girl's shoulders.

'Yeah, well,' Harry said, 'I don't have time to listen to you, Malfoy, I'm in the Triwizard Tournament, and I gotta make sure I beat you!'

'Hey,' Ron said, looking at his half-eaten favourite-vine-other-than-green like it were a genius, 'these things do give ya ideas! Harry! Draco's already done the tournament! He must know what you do to win!'

In all honesty, Draco didn't know- he'd been too busy slaying the cute dragon he'd been assigned and thinking about a new way of revolutionising potty-training.

'But I do know,' he lied smugly, 'you don't win, Potter…'

'I'm not buying that!' Harry said. 'I'm gonna find a totally awesome way to win- I know it!'

'Oh, yeah?' Malfoy had to let go of Hermione to slink up to Harry. 'Well what are you going to do?' he sneered, 'put it to sleep with your guitar-playing?'

His sarcasm had exactly the opposite effect to what he desired on the famous young wizard.

'Hey, yeah!' he said excitedly. 'I can charm it with a song! That's a great idea!' he clapped his hands together. 'Problem solved!'

'Er, Potter, I was trying to insult you and your puny brain…' Draco began to say, but the trio had already left, slapping Harry on the back and hi-fiving him for 'his' great idea.

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><p>After the shock revelation Harry and his friends had delivered, Umbridge and Firenze sat down under a tree and mulled over the possibility that it might be true.<p>

'The emotion you humans know as pregnancy…' Firenze began after several moments of silent awe, 'would bring a great boon to the Cenchaur people- for many years our people have searched for a way to increase our numbers- we are dying out for want of offspring- you know the problem we have had finding women strong enough to survive coitus…'

Umbridge was having very different thoughts.

'If dose crazy chil'rens are right…' she mused, 'den I'ma be…a Mama! I mean, a _real_ Mama, and dey'll be mah real daughters, not like…'

'Or sons,' Firenze cut in, but Umbridge ignored the comment.

'Not like dose naughty skanks and hooligans like Potter…mah _real_ chil'rens won't disrespect deir Mama…'

Firenze put his arm around her waist and pulled her into his lap, wrapping his tail around her. 'They will be a great joy…'

'My Mama Umbridge would have been proud…she wanted me to make grandbabies so we could straighten 'em out…I hate her.' Umbridge added as an afterthought. 'If I'ma toughen mah own chil'rens up, I don't want 'em to hate _me_…but dey won't, will dey?'

She gripped the centaur's arm in worry- a lesser creature would have cried in pain at her strength, but not our Firenze.

'The young spawn shall not be resentful,' he said wisely. 'Their centaur blood shall make them both strong _and_ sensible.'

'Oh yeah,' Umbridge said. 'I hadn't thought of dat…'

She settled back into his arms. 'Dat's right, dey're half centaur, I forgot, silly me, dur-dur-dur-dur…'

For a short while they just sat there, Firenze deep in contemplation and the muscly blonde wo-man laughing softly to herself.

'Come, ym sweet,' Firenze said, getting to his four feet and pulling Umbridge up with him, 'Tomorrow we must traverse to the land of the humans, to visit the city you know as 'hos-pital', and ascertain if this is true. If it is, we tell the Cenchaurs and we shall celebrate the continuation of our bloodline, with music and…'

'Yeah,' Umbridge said excitedly, 'and den…wait a minute!'

She put her hand on her hip, raising one finger to him. 'Are you sayin' dat…dese kids are gonna be **ponies?'**

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><p><strong>Coming up next: In what ways will Harry return to annoy Umbridge? Will Draco Malfoy ever get over Hermione? Is there ANYTHING redvines can't do? And what are these strange cravings Umbridge is getting all of a sudden? These and some other questions may be answered next chapter! Or not...<strong>

**...just kidding...**

**...or am I...**

**...you decide...**

**but if you CAN guess what Umbridge is going to be craving, ten points to Gryffindor (or Slytherin or Ravenclaw, whichever house you're in...what the hell is a Hufflepuff?)**


	4. Deja vu and a cheesecake for spite

**Thanks and redvines are in order to all those who reviewed/favourited/alerted this time round, including: ChloefromMackMalls, PoisonFantasy, potterchic5125, Teddy Tonks-Lupin, justacoolharrypotternerd23, son and Izzy. I hereby send you all redvines and invite you for a traditional Welcome-to-Hogwarts bodyshot.**

**Thanks for all the guesses for what Umbridge might be craving, however, no house points this time. Okay, that's a little harsh, five points to all who had a guess. :D**

**And now, on with the next chapter, in which we find out what Umrbridge is craving, and the supermegafoxyawesomehot un-security officer gets a strange sense of deja vu...**

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><p>Firenze had gone straight to sleep after their fourth coitus of the day, but Umbridge lay awake for hours afterwards, thinking.<p>

This morning, she had been a chubby girlfriend bordering on the height of depression. And now, all of a sudden, she might possibly be an expectant Mama. How was she supposed to sleep knowing that?

Oh well, sleep was for chubby lil ****s anyway. Umbridge retrieved her purple checked shawl and wrapped it around her shoulders, stepping out into the forest.

'If I'm gonna be a Mama,' she twiddled her thumbs as she walked, 'and I'm carrying baby ponies inside o' me, does dat mean…I'm gonna get weird cravings? What if I….her eyes widened, 'Mama should sure go for a cheesecake right now…'

As if on cue, a cheesecake appeared out of nowhere. Umbridge's eyes widened even more.

'Where da hell did daaat come from?' she took a step towards the mysterious dessert, then hesitated. 'I'm not allowed to eat _cheesecake,'_ she murmured, 'but still….'

She made a show of looking around before squatting down and reaching for it.

'Doesn't_ seem_ explosive…or poisonous…' she picked it up and started to peel back the foil cover, 'and it smells absolutely d…d…'

'_Doloresssss!'_ a croaky old voice called, and Umbridge dropped the cheesecake in shock as a wizened old figure began to fade in from the mist. 'Dolores Jane Umbridge, you put down dat…cheesecake…'

Umbridge looked horrified. 'Mama! Why'd you always have to do daaat! You're supposed to be dead! Go awaaay!'

'I come back from the grave,' Mama Umbridge cackled, 'every time you get tempted to eat cheesecake, to straighten you out agaiiin…'

Umbridge pouted. 'I hate you.'

'Hate me?' Mama Umbridge clucked. 'Why, you're gonna hafta get over dat if you're gonna be a Mama! Cause you gotta love dem,' she paused to wheeze, 'grand-babies enough to kill…'

'No!' Umbridge cried. 'I'm not like you, Mama! I'm cool! Mah chil'rens are gonna adore me!'

Mama Umbridge gave another witchy laugh. 'You thinks dat now…mark mah words Dolores Jame Umbridge, you're gonna be da Mama to dem like I was to you. I know you, Dolores, you're just like me deep down…' and, laughing and coughing, the image of her mother faded back into the darkness, leaving Umbridge standing alone in the middle of the forest.

'I hate you!' Umbridge yelled at the spot where the old woman had been. 'And I'ma eat dat cheesecake just to spite you…'

She looked around, but the cheesecake too had vanished just as mysteriously as it had appeared.

'Umbridge! Fair maiden!' Umbridge hadn't noticed Firenze approaching until he was at her side. 'I awoke to find you gone, and when I checked my phone and found no text to tell me of your whereabouts, I became deeply concerned…'

Umbridge stared into space. 'I think I'm crazy.'

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><p>'Hate…Mama…I'm…cool…gonna be a…good…Mama…' Umbridge was doing her usual morning exercise- weightlifting (or, more accurately, hoisting heavy things over her head), grunting angry slogans and mantras each time she picked something up. A short distance away, Firenze leaned against a tree, watching and admiring her immense strength.<p>

'Yo, Firenze!'

The cenchaur turned to see Harry, Ron, Hermione and a strange redheaded girl he had never seen before running towards him.

'What's up?' Harry said. 'I had the greatest idea the other day about how to defeat the dragon in the Triwizard Tournament…'

'Well, actually, Draco…' Hermione began, but Ron and Harry glared at her.

'Yes, Harry Potter's so smart!' the redhead girl said, 'he's sooo smart, 'cause he's Harry Potter, he's the Boy Who Lived…'

'And who's this?' Firenze asked.

'Oh, that's just my stupid lil pain-in-the-ass sister, Ginny,' Ron jerked a thumb in her direction, 'just ignore her.'

'Oh, wowee!' Ginny said, taking a step closer to Firenze, 'you're a centaur- a real live…'

'What are you chil'rens doin' back here AGAIN?' all of a sudden Umbridge was in front of them, looming over the four Hogwarts students. She turned to Ginny.

'And who da hell are you?'

'Um, I'm Ginevra,' Ginny said in her squeaky voice.

'You a chubby lil **** dat's what you are!' Umbridge boomed, causing Ginny to wail and start crying.

'Hey,' Ron said, 'no-one insults my kid sister but me!'

'WHO DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE! You wanna die, Weasley?'

Rom jumped back. Ginny, in tears, tried to cling to Harry, who ignored her.

'Is it just me, or are hormones making her even more of a bitch than usual?' he commented loudly, causing Umbridge to give the Boy Who Lived an absolutely _murderous_ look.

'We still haven't ascertained,' Firenze said, 'whether she is indeed, as you humans say, 'knocked up''.

'Oh, yeah, well the hospital wing down at Hogwarts'll probably do the scan for ya,' Harry replied dismissively, 'just rock up there.'

He laughed a little as a thought occurred to him. 'Firenze, my friend, I do NOT envy you, having to put up with an angry Umbridge for nine months.'

'WHAT!' Umbridge roared.

'Three,' Firenze said calmly. Everyone stared at him.

'Huh?' Umbridge forgot she was mad for a minute.

'Three,' Firenze repeated, 'it is a known fact that the foetus of a cenchaur grows at thrice the human rate- that may perhaps explain why a weaker human, even if they managed to survive the coitus, is still unable to carry…'

The children all looked rather weirded out. Umbridge had turned into some sort of gaping statue, one finger to her lips and her eyes wide.

'Uh oh,' Harry said, 'everything's gone awkward again. Got any more redvines to get us outta this mess, Ron?'

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><p><strong>Bit of a filler, but we found out some important news about the pregnancy...Umbridge doesn't have as long as she thought...dun dun dun...<strong>

** Coming up next, Umbridge finally goes for her scan- but to do that means going to Hogwarts. How will she react when she sees Dumbledore there?**

**And, as a special present to all my chil'rens, our next chapter will have a guest appearance from someone very supermegafoxyawesomehot...guess who correctly and I will send you a fresh bouquet of snapdragons.**


	5. Creepy, isn't it?

**Thank you again, all my lovely reviewers/favouriters/alerters, including: justacoolharrypotternerd23, MarauderGirl71, ChloefromMackMalls, Shaley-Humdinger-the-3rd, Lonely Island Girl, son and fanofanime2006. I can't remember what pressies I promised you all, but I shall send you some snapdragons.**

**And, a special apology cheesecake to MarauderGirl71... I'm sorry if I scarred you XD**

**All those who guessed, I got a lot of Cho and Snape guesses, but unfortunately, you weren't quite right...snapdragons to ChloefromMackMalls who guessed correctly...**

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><p>'Quirrell, could you turn around for a while? I don't like walking backwards…'<p>

That morning, while the students of Hogwarts were going about their daily lives, Professor Quirrell and his second head were taking a refreshing stroll in the forest. Sighing, Quirrell turned to allow Voldemort to see where he was going.

'Oh, isn't it a beautiful day, Quirrell? The sun is shining, the birds are twittering, and Harry Potter is drawing ever closer to the end of that tournament- and the evil plan I have prepared for him. Soon I shall be reborn!'

'Yes, my lord,' Quirrell began, but was cut short by his companion.

'Ah, ah, ah!' Voldemort said, 'what have I told you, Quirrell? Call me Voldemort! We're there, we've reached that stage in the relationship where you do the gardening and I nag you about leaving your clothes all over the place, and…_woah…'_

'What have you seen, my…er, Voldy?'

Voldemort growled. 'I said you could call my by name, I did not give you permission to give me a gay-sounding nickname!'

Quirrell apologised profusely.

'I've just seen something highly unusual,' Voldemort said. 'Take a look!'

Quirrell started to shuffle around.

'No, don't turn all the way! Then _I_ won't be able to see!'

After several moments of awkward manoeuvring, they stood sideways on, both heads craned to see what the dark lord had just spotted.

A woman in a hideous pink dress was strolling past, hand in hand with a centaur.

'You see that girl,' Voldemort said, 'don't you think there's something rather…_familiar_ about her?'

Quirrell squinted. 'Yeah…she kinda looks like you! Only she has a proper nose, and blonde hair, and a body, and she's a girl…at least I _think_ she's a girl…'

'Hmm,' Voldemort hummed, 'creepy, isn't it?'

* * *

><p>'Does chil'rens had better be right,' Umbridge said to her centaur 'boyfwen' as they strode towards the school. She rested her hand on her stomach, which had grown considerably even since last night.<p>

'Cause if dey're not, den I really am a chubby lil ****!'

'Does the Headmaster know we are traversing to Hogwarts?' Firenze asked her.

'Yeah,' Umbridge said, ' I texted him about ten minutes ago…I wonder why he di'n text me back…'

'Ah, Firenze,' the gay wizard himself strode out from the shadows, 'so nice to see you again…and boy do you look buff today! Anyway, I can help you out right now if you want, 'cause all the kids are getting all excited over the Tournament…'

Umbridge shot him a glare- she still hadn't forgiven him for being such a 'lousy boyfwen'- and for the record, he was a lousy ex too.

'Did you get my text?'

'Yeah,' Dumbledore said, turning back to Firenze, 'if you just come through…'

'Well you di'n text me back!' Umbridge persisted.

'Oh, yeah, sorry, I ran outta credit,' Dumbledore said, stopping the wo-man short. She didn't have a comeback for that- it had never occurred to her that people could walk about carrying phones without instantly refilling the credit- how could they SMS? She stood looking dumbfounded for a moment. 'Oh. Right.'

'Right this way, Firenze, Umbridge…' Dumbledore waved his hand, and they followed him.

'Don't try to get on mah good side, Dumbledohh,' Umbridge said as they trooped to the hospital wing.

'Now, Madam Pomfrey isn't here…(in fact I don't think we've ever seen her, we just assume she exists)…so I'll be doing the scan…'

Umbridge took a step back. 'Uh-uh, get da hell away from me Dumbledohh…'

'Relax, Umbridge, it's just a spell!' Dumby couldn't help finding her reaction amusing. 'And besides, I'm gay! I'm not gonna take advantage! In fact, I got my eye on that sexy new barman at the Three Broomsticks…boy, you never saw such abs…'

Umbridge reluctantly stepped forward again, clutching Firenze's hand and staring daggers at the Headmaster.

'Fine, but you try anyting, and I swear, Dumbledohh, I'll grind your bones to make mah BREAD!'

'Okay,' Dumbledore brandished the Elder Wand, which had been stuck together with a bit of sticky-tape, _**'revellius bastardus kiddus!'**_

A light shot from his wand and surrounded Umbridge before forming a huge screen in front of the group.

'Wow,' Dumbledore said, 'how'd you fit so many kids in there?' He turned to Umbridge.

'You got triplets!'

'Oh my, look Firenze!' Umbridge said excitedly, pointing to the ultrasound, 'three chil'rens!'

'We have been much blessed,' the cenchaur said. 'Through these spawn we shall create a new race of hybrids- half human, half cenchaur, and our blood line shall…'

'Yeah yeah,' Umbridge said, 'I'ma call dis one Dolores, and dat one Umbridge Junior, and dat one Lil Mama!'

'Ah, Umbridge?' Dumbledore cut in, 'arencha bein' a bit hasty? You don't know yet, I mean, we can't tell from this picture whether the babies are boys or gi…'

'WHO DISRESPECTING MAH CHIL'RENS!' Umbridge shouted, stepping very close to the Headmaster and glaring ferociously. 'You wanna die? You want me to destroy youuu?'

The ex-security officer's teeth were clenched, the muscles in her arms bulging in a way which, if she had truly been a man, Dumbledore would have found attractive. She took another step closer so her face almost touched his. 'You had yo' chance with me, Dumbledohh,' she growled, 'now I got me a good boyfwen, an' he always replies to mah texts, and you just jealous!'

She drew her fist back, about to punch her 'ex boyfriend' when two strong centaur hands pulled her back.

'No, Umbridge,' Firenze said, 'you mustn't exert yourself in your condition…you must protect the hybrid spawn…'

'Oh, yeah,' Umbridge said, fighting the urge to grab Dumbledore by the throat.

'Come, fair woman, we must inform the other cenchaurs of this joyous news!' he picked her up and carried her off, leaving Dumbledore staring after them.

'What an odd couple,' he shook his head. 'Well, Dumby, it looks like we've still got a couple hours before the Tournament, maybe it'd be a good idea to pop along to the Three Broomsticks and buy that hottie bartender a bodyshot!'

And he danced off, looking very pleased at this idea.

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><p><strong>So, what did we learn? Umbridge really is pregnant...thrice, Dumbledore has a new love interest, and that for some strange reason, Umbridge and Voldemort look uncannily alike...(I wonder why <em>that<em> might be...)**

**A new chapter coming soon, in which Umbridge's pregnancy develops rather rapidly, and the Totally Awesome Trio go somewhere... a brand new guitar if you can guess where.**

**Keep reviewing- redvines to all!**


	6. A Draco wherever we go

**Thanks again to all my wonderful reviewers! I finally hit 20 reviews! And I believe brand new Harry Potter guitars are in order for son, Reena Catheryn and ChloefromMackMalls for correctly guessing where the Trio was headed.**

**Thanks also to justacoolharrypotternerd23 for reviewing and NinjaLampshade for alerting. Redvines coming your way!**

**Okay, so this chapter is a bit of a skip forward in time, and features the return of our own dear house-elf boy...enjoy.**

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><p>'It sure is great to be able to go to Hogsmeade without needing a permission form,' Harry said as he, Ron and Hermione headed down to the village, 'and it sure is great I beat out Draco Malfoy in that challenge!'<p>

'Yeah- we knew you would!' Ron said, taking a bite out of two Hershey bars at once. Hermione looked at him in disgust.

'Now I just gotta get hold of one of those wreaths, and I can ask Cho to the Yule Ball!'

Ron and Hermione groaned. That was all Harry had been talking about since it had been announced that Hogwarts was _having_ a ball. It had been two months since the fateful day Umbridge had discovered she was pregnant (which in centaur terms was rather far along), and by now most of the school knew. Seamus had been spreading stories about how he heard a baby Umbridge would be able to kill them all with its crying, however once the news of the Ball got out, the word about Umbridge had died down and become background gossip.

And so it was that, when the Totally Awesome Trio went down to Hogsmeade on this fine day, they had quite forgotten about it. That is, until…

'Well, look who it is!'

The three groaned and looked around, but the body attached to the voice they had heard was nowhere in sight. Instead, Luna Lovegood waved giddily in the wrong direction.

'Huh?' Ron looked very confused indeed. 'Didn't we just hear Draco's voice?'

'Did someone say _Draco Malfoy_?' something began to crawl out from behind Luna's legs, and soon Malfoy was slithering across the ground towards him.

'Aw, wherever we go there's a Draco!' Harry groaned. 'We go to school and we see this jerk, we get away from school and we see an older copy of this jerk!'

'Well,' Draco said smugly, 'you won't be seeing me for much longer- in a few short weeks, the centaurs have foreseen the arrival of a rocketship, and we will be off to Pigfarts for good!'

'Oh, yeah?' Ron said, disbelieving, 'well, why aren't you off on your little spaceship right now?'

'We have come to Hogsmeade,' Draco replied, standing up and putting his arm round Luna, giving Hermione a _you-missed-your-chance_ look, 'to buy a fresh supply of our most necessary diapers.'

The trio couldn't help sniggering at the enormous pile of boxes their gaze was now directed to.

'How many do you need?' Harry guffawed. 'Eaten something that didn't agree with you?'

Even Hermione couldn't help a little giggle at that one.

Draco drew himself up to his full height- a gesture which didn't help matters, as he wasn't very tall.

'For your information, _Potter_,' he said indignantly, 'we had to get a healthy supply- not just for our long journey to Mars, but, of course, Umbridge's babies are due soon, and we need to start stocking up on essentials…'

'Oh, yeah,' Ron said, 'that's right, Umbridge is knocked up! Hahaha…' He looked around, but the others didn't join in.

'That joke's getting old,' Harry waved his hand.

Ron looked disappointed. 'I knew this'd happen if I switched snacks!' he stared in disgust at the Hershey bars and threw them away over his shoulder.

'Hey, guys, can we stop at Honeydukes'? I need some more redvines, like, NOW!'

'Ooh, you're going to the candy shop, can I come?'

Ron growled loudly as Ginny came running up.

'I noticed you were going to Hogsmeade with Hermione and…HARRY POTTER,' she swooned, 'and I thought I might tag along…'

'Stupid sister!' Ron snapped, 'we were gonna have a great time without you!' This prompted Ginny to burst into tears, but before she reached the crescendo of her wailing, she reached into her pocket and brought out a familiar blue packet.

'But, Ron, I brought you a lil something…' she grinned as Ron's eyes grew wide at the redvines, 'I thought you might let me come if I gave you these…'

Ron snatched the packet out of her hand. 'No way! Sucker!' Ginny started to cry again.

'Well, isn't this cute!' Malfoy said. 'A redhead reunion!' He slid off the crate of diapers he was sitting on, did a forward roll along the path and pulled himself up in a body-roll so he was standing right in front of the youngest Weasley.

'You know…'

'Little D! Oh, Little D! Luna!'

It seemed like every time the gang saw Draco, Firenze turned up, and vice versa.

'Oh, hello, Harry Potter, the centaur said, giving him a little bow.

'Great to see ya, buddy,' Harry returned, getting out his guitar in the hope that he could spontaneously burst into a song entitled 'Great to See Ya.'

'Indubitably,' Firenze said, turning back to Malfoy, 'Little D, you must get back to the Cenchaur Tree Village at once!'

'Why?' Draco asked, and then his elf-like face lit up. 'Has the rocket ship arrived?'

'No, it's the fair Umbridge- the young hybrids are on their way!'

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><p><strong>Bit of a filler, but some important stuff is about to happen. Umbridge is having the babies, and we get to see just how effective redvines really are...but who saves the day when a crisis strikes Firenze? I may have already given you a clue...<strong>

**If you can guess, you get a free flight to Mars.**

**Keep reading and reviewing, my lovelies, and don't forget to take your foot, your little foot, and dance again!**


	7. Knock her out with drugs already!

**Thank you all once again! A pack of our favourite red snack to Reena Catheryn, ChloefromMackMalls, ****and MarauderGirl71 for reviewing! And a free flight to Mars for Reena Catheryn and son for guessing last chapter's challenge question correctly.**

**So, where were we? Umbridge is about to have the babies (don't worry, I won't show you anything gruesome...I'm not that evil XD), a whole load of diapers have been bought, and it is about to be proven just how effective redvines really are. Oh, and Umbridge is very angry.**

**And now, the story continues...**

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><p>Firenze, Draco and Luna looked frantic. Ginny looked confused. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked like they were thinking this was the perfect time to sneak away quietly.<p>

'You must come and assist at once!' Firenze beseeched. 'In her agony the fair Umbridge is stronger than ever- she's already punched out three cenchaurs that got in her way…'

'Quick!' Draco said, caught up in the moment. 'Everyone back to the forest!'

'Yeah, well, you guys have fun,' Harry said. 'Me and my pals here,' he pulled Ron and Hermione into a huddle, which Ginny desperately tried to get in on, 'we got better things to do- I guess we'll just be headin' back…'

'Not so fast, Potter!' Draco cried. 'Jellylegs jinx!'

The four found themselves stuck, but before they could yell 'unjellify!' Malfoy had grabbed their wands (or in Ron's case, his redvines).

'Now, here's the deal,' he said, 'Luna- that's my _girlfriend_,' he looked pointedly at Hermione, 'and I can't possibly carry _all _these boxes of diapers back to the forest _and_ deal with Umbridge- and why should we when we have four volunteers? Now, when I unjinx you, you shall all come and help me, or…the ginger girl dies!'

And with that he did a grand jete across the path and landed in front of Ginny, pointing his wand at her head.

'That's cool,' Ron said, 'no-one likes my loser sister anyway.'

Ginny burst into tears.

'Very well then,' Draco said, and in a flash he had sashayed over to Ron and was holding the wand to _his_ head.

'Well, then, do as I say or the ginger _boy_ dies!'

Harry and Hermione gulped.

'Don't kill me!' Ron cried, 'I'm too hungry to die!'

'Yeah, don't kill Ron!' Harry said, 'he's the guy that's always helpin' out!'

'Well, perhaps he could _help out_,' Draco sneered, 'during this crisis!'

'Will you gimme back my redvines?' Ron demanded.

'_Afterwards,'_ Malfoy smirked, releasing them from the jinx. 'Come along then, get the diaper boxes and follow Fir…Firenze?'

The centaur was already dashing off down the path, and the six children each grabbed a box of diapers and hastened after him. They were about a hundred feet away from the Centaur Tree Village when they heard the first of the shouts- loud enough to bring down the whole village.

'WHAT IS DIS? PAIN? UMBRIDGE DON'T FEEL PAIN! I DON'T LIKE DIS!'

Firenze looked aggrieved. 'My poor human…' he rushed towards the source of the screaming, and the children dumped the boxes on the ground and trailed along.

'My darling Umbridge!' the centaur burst through the door and ran to her side.

'I AM NEVER HAVING COITUS WITH YOU AGAIN!' Umbridge shouted, and everyone experienced a ringing in their ears from the volume of the exclamation. 'FIRST YOU MAKE ME INTO A CHUBBY LIL ****,' she indicated her heavily pregnant stomach, 'AND DEN ALL DIS PAIN! AND I NEVER FEEL PAIN! I AM **INDESTRUCTIBLE!'**

'Whadya say we make a run for it?' Harry whispered to Ron and Hermione, 'I don't wanna stick around to listen to something this gruesome…'

'But what about…'

'For goodness sake, Ron!' Hermione whined. 'We'll buy you a new pack of redvines on the way home, let's just go!'

'No-one is going anywhere!'

'Oh, _man!'_ Harry groaned, seeing that Malfoy had stepped in front of the door and was now barring his way.

'Malfoy, we don't wanna stay and watch Umbridge poppin' little horses out of her…'

'Harry!' Hermione chided.

'WHAT DA SPELL IS HARRY POTTER DOIN' HERE! WHY ARE YOU LITTLE TURDS ALWAYS IN MAH WAY! WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE DAT!'

'See, Umbridge doesn't even want us here,' Harry said smugly. 'Now _if_ you'll excuse me…'

'Professor, we're your moral support,' Draco said, hand still on the door and being oddly grovelly- no doubt because Firenze had foreseen a rocketship heading his way if he helped with the children.

Umbridge sucked in her breath and delivered a punch so forceful that Malfoy was flung clean across the room.

The ex-security officer threw back her head and roared. 'I'M HAVIN' SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT DESE BABY PONIES! I DON'T WANNA HAVE CHIL'RENS NO MORE!'

Firenze took hold of her hand, and there was a crunching sound as Umbridge squeezed it so hard all his fingers broke.

The centaur's eyes widened. 'Nary a cenchaur has ever been broken before…the sheer strength of this woman makes me ever so in love….but what of all this blood…?'

He held up his injured hand and Hermione and Ginny ran off to be sick at the sight of it. Harry and Draco winced. The only one not affected by it (apart from Luna, who was probably high on something) was Ron.

'Hey, Firenze, hold out that hand!' grabbing the pack of redvines from Malfoy, he pulled one out and laid it across Firenze's fingers, healing them instantly. **(Author's note: Don't really try to heal broken bones with redvines. I don't want to get sued if it doesn't work.)**

Firenze looked in amazement at his renewed hand- there wasn't even a scar.

'Redvines,' Ron winked. 'What the hell _can't_ they do?'

'I WANT MY MAMA!' Umbridge yelled.

Harry sighed in frustration. 'Can't we just knock her out with drugs already?'

'Dumby to the rescue!' came a triumphant voice, and Dumbledore materialised in the room (or ran in when no-one was looking, whichever you prefer.)

'Now, Umbridge, you just take this gillyweed,' he held out the bag to her, 'and everything'll be fine, you won't now what hit ya…'

'Uh-uh,' Umbridge said, 'No WAY, no WAY am I takin' anything from you, Dumbledohh, now GET OUTTA MAH HOUSE!'

'Have it your way, Dolores,' Dumby said slyly, starting to turn around, 'STUPEFY!' he whipped out the Elder Wand and cast the spell.

Umbridge fell back onto the bed, unconscious.

'Now, quick, everyone,' he said, 'let's get her up to the hospital wing before she wakes up!'

'Aw, _man_,' Harry complained again, 'now we gotta _carry _Umbridge too?'

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><p><strong>No babies this chapter, but you will get to meet them next time! What will they be- girls? boys? both? Can Harry and his friends sneak away? Find out next chapter, coming sometime within the next three days (hopefully).<strong>

**Keep reviewing! Means a lot to me! This time, I shall send out packs of gillyweed, so you too can take a dip in the hidden swimming pool. Hmm, I can't think of a question this chapter! *Wails***

**Oh, okay, I just thought of one. What two things does Umbridge get for presents after the babies are born?**


	8. Atta girl, Dolores!

**Yay! We've hit thirty reviews! *Does an excited dance* Much thanks and gillyweed, as promised, to ChloefromMackMalls , MarauderGirl71, Avada, Reena Catheryn, Jenny123 and justacoolharrypotternerd23 as well as WobblyJelly and Teddy bear cullen for alerting.**

**I got a new maths book the other day. It was pink, and it reminded me of Umbridge. XD Just thought you might like to know. XD**

**Anyway, on with the story. This chapter is dedicated to ChloefromMackMalls. Because I felt like it. And because I am with her in spirit.**

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><p>Umbridge opened her eyes and didn't know where she was. She could make out some blurry figures slowly coming into focus, but she couldn't remember what had happened, and her head hurt like she'd been knocked out by magic.<p>

'I think she's coming round,' a familiar voice said- someone she didn't like, she reckoned, although she couldn't quite put her finger on it. 'Time for us to go…'

'Not so fast, Potter,' another voice said.

Umbridge wanted to reach up and knock both of them down for aggravating her headache, but she couldn't actually summon the strength.

What? Umbridge feeling weak? What was wrong with her?

She forced her eyes fully open and tried to sit up. A glistening figure with long white hair was now standing in front of her.

'Fair Umbridge!' it cried. 'You awaken at last! My wonderful human!'

Umbridge attempted a smile. 'Hmm, Pony?' she said blearily. Firenze leaned down and kissed her forehead. In Umbridge's peripheral vision she could see another man approaching her.

'Atta girl, Dolores!' Dumbledore said, 'you did very well!'

'Dur-dur-dur,' Umbridge replied, still not quite with it.

'The magical caesarean went without a hitch- your kids are alive and well.'

'What's a magical caesarean?' Harry asked.

'Never mind, Harry, it's not important to the story,' Dumbledore replied hastily. Harry shrugged.

'For you, fair Umbridge,' Firenze presented her with two tokens of his love.

'Snapdragons!' Umbridge cried happily, taking the orange bouquet and burying her nose in them, 'oh, and a rock for later!'

She sat back, admiring her flowers for a moment, and then something clicked in her mind as the last of the spell wore off.

'Oh yea…the chil'rens!' she said, suddenly excited, 'I had the chil'rens- I'm a Mama! And da childbirth wasn't bad at all- I was brave and fearsome!'

Everyone exchanged glances.

'_Sure_ you were, Umbridge, Dumbledore said dismissively, '_sure_ you were…'

'Shut up Dumbledohh,' Umbridge growled, 'you ain't never had chil'rens, you don't know what it's like, and you never will, too, being a lousy gay ex boyfwen….'

Dumbledore took no notice of her words, she wasn't insulting him, not really. He'd rather a sexy man than a grouchy, nagging Umbridge in labour any day.

Dolores was fully with it now, and she gazed around the hospital wing. That ugly ginger girl was in the corner, mooning after Harry Potter, and that loathsome Granger was standing with the chubby redhead, who was stuffing his face.

The 'nice chil'rens' as Umbridge called them- Draco and Luna, who normally kept out of her way and gave her no cause for tough-lovin', were gathered around a large box of some sort, and Malfoy sported a shiner of a black eye, for which somehow she felt responsible. Loyal Firenze was by her side, like a good boyfwen should be; she didn't know what the spell Dumbledore thought he was doing there.

Something was missing from the picture, though, and Umbridge knew what it was.

'Can I have my chil'rens now?' she demanded. 'Where are dey?'

Draco and Luna stepped away from the box, which Umbridge now realised was a crib (the two of them had had to look after the babies because, as Dumbledore pointed out, Umbridge 'probably wouldn't want Harry or someone she hates handling her kids').

Luna reached into the crib and brought out a small child, which she placed in Umbridge's lap.

The ex-security officer gasped audibly- the tiny girl, now clad in a pink dress, was precisely her in miniature- pouty lips, wide eyes and a shock of blonde curls. As Firenze had predicted, it was indeed 'part-pony'- four horsey-legs stuck out from underneath her dress, as well as a tail, but the woman didn't really notice- or care.

'Aw,' cooed Umbridge as the blonde baby grabbed the rock off her bedside table and tried to hoist it over her head, 'she's just like her Mama!'

Draco held out the second triplet- almost identical to the first, it gave Umbridge a little smile and flexed its tiny muscles.

'Aw, and dis one's jus' like me too!' Umbridge cried out, taking the baby from Draco and cradling it to her chest.

'What a titanium baby! Mama sure does have some influence with her daughters, and dey're only jus' born!'

'And your son,' Luna said, turning around to reveal the third child. A baby boy reached out one hand, almost in a greeting. Its head was crowned with a fine layer of white hair, and it sat with an expression of dignity and poise never before seen in a newborn. Although Umbridge's features were visible in the child, its look of intelligence, along with its white hair and four legs, made the resemblance to Firenze far more evident at a first glance.

'Ew,' Umbridge said, turning to Firenze. 'You can have dat one.'

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><p><strong>Well, the baby Umbridges have been born. What does life hold for them? How will Umbridge react to being a Mama? What will the babies be called? Find out next chapter.<strong>

**And your challenge question this time is: Why doesn't Umbridge like the boy baby?  
>To all who guess correctly, I shall send notebooks in Umbridge pink. And a rock for later.<strong>

**And now the bad news: I am going away for a week, so no more updates until maybe Friday or Saturday...colon left parenthesis. In the meantime, I shall continue to write the story, so updates shall be plentiful when I return. **

**Keep reviewing! I love you all.**


	9. Mama needs her beauty sleep

**I lied! I said I was going on holiday! Well, I actually am, but I got up fairly early to post this before I left. Truthfully, though, I won't be able to post any more until at least Friday.**

**Oh dear, I still seem to be scarring people. Apology cheesecake to WobblyJelly. **

**S****pecial thanks and pressies, of course, to Avada,(twice!) ChloefromMackMalls, justacoolharrypotternerd23, WobblyJelly and MarauderGirl71. for reviewing, etc.**

**And extra special thanks to ChloefromMackMalls who suggested the boy baby's middle name :D**

**Well, here we go. Chapter 9. Enjoy.**

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><p>'Well, Firenze,' Dumbledore said, 'I'd say you've done well for yourself, except I wouldn't wanna be tied down to Umbridge- with three mini Umbridges!' he chuckled to himself at the centaur's apparent misfortune, but Firenze wasn't really listening. The two of them were finalising the birth certificates and plotting the date of the christening. As Dumbledore flicked through the papers, it became clear that the naming of the infants had been left to Umbridge.<p>

'Dolores…' he read, '_what_ a surprise…Umbridge Junior, oh how original…er,' he turned to Firenze, fighting back the urge to laugh, 'why is your son called Ponytar?'

'Ask me not,' he replied cheerfully, 'for the naming of the spawn was all fair Umbridge's doing…'

'Yeah, I figured that,' Dumbledore said, 'well Firenze, pal, I got a date with the bartender from the Three Broomsticks, and then I got a meeting with Professor Rumbleroar to discuss the…ah…never mind, see ya later!' and he waltzed off, laughing.

'Ponytar Ralph Umbridge. Poor kid doesn't stand a chance!'

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><p>Umbridge woke up in the middle of the night with a pillow over her face, and it only took a few seconds before she realised why she'd put it there in the first place. The sound of crying filtered through her hearing- not for the first time that night.<p>

'Shut up, chil'rens!' she called. 'Lights out! Mama needs her beauty sleep!'

The noise continued to persist. Umbridge groaned and got out of bed, before turning to look at Firenze. The centaur was, as usual, fast asleep, completely undisturbed by their children's cries. Umbridge, after wondering how it was possible that he managed to sleep through the night when she didn't get a wink, became rather angry at the idea.

She leaned over and shoved Firenze off the bed, hard, so he landed on the floor with a bump, and then she stormed out of the room.

As she reached the source of the crying, the woman's temper had not died down. She flung open the door.

'WHO DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE?' she bellowed, frustrated. Needless to say the crying did not cease.

As the ex-security officer's eyes adjusted to the dim light, she noticed that, like almost every other time, Ponytar was the culprit. In Umbridge's opinion, he'd inherited all the worst qualities from both parents.

The two girls, as well as looking and acting like Umbridge did, had somehow gotten Firenze's centaur trait of being able to sleep through a hurricane, but this boy, on the other hand…

'Why you bein' such a lousy baby?' Umbridge said. 'Mama is tired of getting' on up for you, now be quiet or I will hoist you over mah head!'

She reached into the crib, but as soon as she had picked the infant up he was silent.

'Oh,' Umbridge said, a little nonplussed, 'dat's better.'

She took two steps towards the door, and the crying started up again.

Umbridge stomped back and lifted Ponytar out again- and the same thing happened.

The instant she picked the baby up, his wheedles ceased, and she was left with a perfectly quiet, calm infant.

And then it dawned on her.

The child was responding to her attention! He…_loved_ her…because she was his Mama!

'Dat's cute…' Umbridge mused. She sat down, the baby still in her arms, gazing at his face and thinking.

From the moment Ponytar was born she hadn't liked him- she'd made no secret of that, although for some reason Firenze hadn't noticed. Originally, she and everyone else had assumed that it was the fact that Ponytar bore a resemblance to Firenze and not her.

Indeed, Little Dolores and Umbridge Junior were their mother in miniature- in looks AND personality, and perhaps, everyone thought, Umbridge couldn't see anything of herself in her son.

Wrong, in fact. Far from the truth- Umbridge could see in her third child more of herself than either of the others. While Little Dolores and Umbridge Junior were just like she was _now, _Ponytar brought back memories of the girl she _was_- the timid, cowering child she had been, curled up on the couch with a cheesecake.

And that scared her.

By giving the boy a pony sounding name, she had hoped to distance herself from him and turn him into a little Firenze instead, but at the last minute, for some inexplicable reason she'd relented and gifted the normal-sounding middle name 'Ralph' to the child.

'Mama doesn't know what to do with you, Ponyt…' she looked down at the infant again, but happy and asleep like this, the baby looked more like her than every before, and didn't seem like a 'Ponytar' at all.

'Um, Ralph,' she finished instead. 'But seriously, kid, you need to toughen up if you're ever gonna get ahead…'

She put him back in his crib, where Ponytar (sometimes called Ralph) remained perfectly calm and asleep.

Umbridge paused for a minute, then kissed the tip of her finger and touched the baby's forehead.

Of course she loved him, really. Well, she loved him at this moment in time, anyway.

When Umbridge got back to her own room she was no longer angry with the babies- or Firenze.

The centaur was curled up on the floor, fast asleep- he hadn't even woken up when she'd pushed him out the bed.

Umbridge sighed to herself, and in a display of immense strength, picked up the slumbering Firenze, hoisting him over her head before putting him back on the bed.

The Centaur Tree Village was quiet now.

Umbridge climbed back into bed, listening to the silence for a little while before she too dropped off, and dreamed of snapdragons, falcon eggs and teaching the babies to text.

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><p><strong>That ended up being rather more angsty than I intended...oh dear, Umbridge angst. At least she's starting to bond with the babies.<strong>

**Hmm... teaching the babies to text...that may feature in one of the later chapters...if you're lucky. In the meantime, who returns next chapter? Will Umbridge and Ponytar ever get along?**

**And, for fifty house points, where did the name Ponytar originate? Two correct answers. Clue: It may not have been originally spelt that way.**

**Yes, and I am working under the mentality that Firenze doesn't have a last name, so they're all called Umbridge. Which means that, technically, one of them is called 'Umbridge Junior Umbridge', but oh well...**


	10. The UMBRIDGE WAY or not at all

**Thank you, everyone! So many reviews! Such a nice thing to come home to!**

**Thanks to all who reviewed/faved/alerted, including ChloefromMackMalls, MarauderGirl71, Reena Catheryn, Avada, WobblyJelly, justacoolharrypotternerd23, Mickey-the-Amazing and our newest reviewers, SevLovesLily and Anie129. My thanks, and welcome-to-the-fic/appreciation bodyshots.**

**And, of course, house points due to ChloefromMackMalls, SevLovesLily, Anie129, Reena Catheryn and MarauderGirl71. Fifty points each to your respective houses, for guessing one of the two answers I'd have accepted for last time's question:**

**1. The Pokemon 'Ponyta'  
>2. The pony with tattoos and a tongue ring from 'President Taft.' (Ponita)<strong>

**And now, before this author's note gets too long, on with the story! **

* * *

><p>'So, Quirrell….you like…stuff?'<p>

If Quirrell had been able to turn around and stare at Voldemort, he would have done.

'What?'

'Sorry I'm not much conversation today, Quirrell,' Voldemort sighed. 'It's just, well, I can't stop thinking about the Yule Ball tonight. I mean, Harry Potter only has to get to that punch ladle, and then he's mine…' he began to laugh to himself..

'Well, what are you worried about?'

'Well….' Voldemort sighed again, 'what if I…goof it up or something? I long to dance again- it had better work…'

'And I to dance with you…'

'Ssh,' Voldemort cut his other head off. 'It's that girl again.' He squinted through the trees. 'The one that looks like me…what do you say we go up for a closer look?'

* * *

><p>Two weeks after the birth (or magical caesarean) and, true to cenchaur form, the babies had grown at an impressive- and different to humans- rate, and they were already beginning to totter a little on their four legs and gabble a few sounds which could be loosely identified as words.<p>

Umbridge had been ecstatic when Little Dolores had attempted to stand and come to her, and had whisked the children outside to learn 'how to fight.'

'Yeah! Get dem! Ponytar! Toughen up!' Umbridge called as she sat on the sidelines, Umbridge Junior in her lap, watching Little Dolores and Ponytar wrestle each other to the ground.

'SMASH!' Umbridge Junior shrieked. Her Mama's face lit up.

'Dat's riiight!' Umbridge crowed. 'Mama's so proud of you, guurl, and…what da spell?'

There was a man standing in the clearing- or, at least, from a distance he looked like a man. On closer inspection the figure looked more like two men, and an even closer look revealed him to be one man with two heads.

The head facing Umbridge looked rather embarrassed at being caught spying on her.

'Oh, er…hello,' he gave her a snakelike smile. 'Didn't mean to interrupt, but did you know you're me?'

Umbridge stared at him like he'd broken her brain. 'Huh?'

'Well, not _me_ me,' Voldemort attempted to clarify, 'I mean, you seem to be my exact double, except, you know, a girl, and uh, you have different hair, and, um, a body, but still…'

'That sentence kinda got away from you,' the other head said.

'Do you mind, Quirrell?' Voldemort snapped. 'This is a private conversation.'

Quirrell leaned away in a strop.

Umbridge frowned. 'Quirrell? Ain't you da new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher down at Hogwarts? I don't envy you havin' to put up wiv dat Harry Potter!'

Voldemort sniffed. 'Harry Potter? You know Harry Potter?'

'Dat lil turd,' Umbridge replied. 'I tried to straighten him out good with some tough lovin', but he's still the same lil…'

'The same boy I want so desperately to destroy?' Voldemort said excitedly. 'You see, that boy ruined me- all I was, he took away from me, and soon I shall avenge myself…'

'You wanna get rid o' dat Harry Potter?' Umbridge looked delighted. 'Dat's what _I_ wanted to do…'

Voldemort grinned. 'I like your style.'

'Do you have a phone?'

'I'm still here, you know,' Quirrell huffed, his voice thick with jealousy, but the two ignored him and carried on.

'Well, I do, but I can't really use it, you know, what with having no body…'

'Dat's a shame. I coulda texted you….'

'Still here!' Quirrell said again, louder. 'When you two are done flirting, we gotta go, Voldemort!'

'Um, actually, I have a boyfwen,' Umbridge said to Voldemort, but something she had heard stopped her short. 'You're V-V-V-YOU!' she boomed.

'Da Ministry's been lookin' for youu for a long time! And I'm a security officer for the M- um, I used to be! But I'm gonna turn you in, the UMBRIDGE WAY, and you're _both_ gonna get da Dementors' kiss!'

She set Umbridge Junior down and stood up, beginning to loom towards him.

'Oops,' Voldemort bit his bottom lip. 'Run, Quirrell! Run!'

And the two began to shuffle off as fast as they could.

'Come back here! Umbridge gonna DESTROY YOU!'

She took two ferocious steps towards the pair, but as she reached her muscly arms out she tripped over Ponytar, who was crawling along the grass, and landed flat on her face, allowing Voldemort and Quirrell to make their awkward escape.

Umbridge looked embarrassed. Then she looked confused.

Then she looked annoyed.

Then very, very angry.

'PONYTAR!' she shouted, getting to her feet and fuming. 'Why'd you gone and done dat for! Why you bein' such a lousy chile!'

Ponytar looked like if he knew more than a few words at most, he might have cut in.

'DON'T DISRESPECT UMBRIDGE!' she snapped before he could try. 'You supposed to be mah son! I did not raise you to be a trumped up lil chubby lil *****! You gotta toughen up and fly right! You supposed to be an Umbridge! You do things THE UMBRIDGE WAY or not at all!'

Ponytar looked up at her sadly, and the look on his face reminded her so much of her young self that she wanted to cry and cuddle him. But she couldn't. So she didn't.

She'd been taught all her life that you had to be strong to get ahead. And, like her Mama had said, she had to love her 'chil'rens' enough to scold them.

'Don't look at me like dat,' she whinged, and then Umbridge turned and stomped off.

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><p><strong>Who'd've pegged Quirrell for the jealous type? Anyway, there were no texting babies in that chapter, but I promise they are in the next one.<strong>

**Coming soon: will Umbridge ever make amends with Ponytar? Will the dark lord's return affect the cenchaurs in any way? How can babies text when they can't read? Find out next time.**

**And this chapter's quiz...an inanimate object might feature prominently next time. What might it be? Clue: it can't talk.**

**Reviews make my day! Cell phones to all who review and/or guess correctly, so you too can text like Umbridge.**


	11. Teaching babies to text and other things

**Again, so many reviews! I am very happy...(does a dance similar to the 'Lupin got fired' dance). Special thanks and cell phones to son for reviewing FOUR TIMES! Also cell phones to ChloefromMackMalls, justacoolharrypotternerd23, shamelesslyme14, dreamcloud1, Avada and Reena Catheryn for reviewing! **

**I got a new (2nd hand technically) phone today...and it was a chubby lil ****! It wouldnt let me keep my Umbridge ringtone! The phones I shall send you will be worthy of Umbridge, not like that one. Which I didnt end up keeping.**

**Anyway, I got some very creative guesses as to what the inanimate object might be, so I am sending redvines to for creativity. However ChloefromMackMalls guessed correctly.**

**And now, before I bore you all with my life story...the chapter.**

* * *

><p>To the cenchaurs, the news that the dark lord had risen was little more than a conversation piece. At another time of year, they may have been more interested in helping out- but it wasn't their war, and at the moment the majority of the Tree Village were busy thinking about the Cenchaur Harvest and Music Festival, which they would hold in the forest later.<p>

'Of course, it was foreseen,' Firenze said off-handedly to his girlfriend the evening after Voldemort had returned. 'with the way Mars was aligned with Venus…'

'I coulda caught him too,' Umbridge murmured, picking at the bits of rock on her plate, and then pushing it away.

'And the way Orion's belt has been gleaming…ah well, it is also foreseen that Harry Potter shall save our world soon enough, so nothing to fear, really…'

'Damn dat Harry Potter!' Umbridge said, shoving her plate so hard it slid all the way off the table. 'Why does he get to do all da cool stuff?'

By now, Firenze was beginning to pick up on her mood.

He laid a hand on her shoulder. 'Umbridge?'

'Uh huh?' she looked up at him. The centaur moved to hug her, but hesistated. 'What happened to your dress?'

'Oh, Lil Dolores did dat,' Umbridge said, indicating the protein shake that had been tipped all over her front.

'Ah, what spirited offspring we have,' Firenze said proudly, smiling at her, but Umbridge was thinking.

'Am…am I a bad Mama?' she ventured shakily.

'Why, Umbridge, no!' Firenze said, putting his arm round her shoulders and leading her over to the window. 'You see that bright star there? Well, when we cenchaurs saw that we knew that the return of the dark lord was nigh…' and then he was off into his centaur-prediction mode again, and Umbridge tuned out.

'Ponytar looked so sad yesterday…' she muttered.

'And when the sun lines up with Mercury like that…'

'I thought I scolded him because dat's what Mamas are supposed to do…'

'And see how that cloud is in the way of Jupiter…'

'But he's only a baby…'

'Well, that shows the cenchaurs that in the not too distant future…'

'Was I too tough on him?'

The continued to talk to each other in this way, going off on their own tangents and unaware of what the other was saying.

'Ah, well,' Firenze said after he'd run out of things to say. 'Coitus?'

'Not now,' Umbridge replied, shaking his arm off. 'I gotta think.'

She ended up wandering through the forest, mulling everything over and being subconsciously directed to the same spot where her mother had appeared earlier.

Umbridge leaned against a tree and stared at the small clearing, dredging up the memory as she did so.

_Mark mah words, Dolores Jane Umbridge, you're gonna be the Mama to dem like I was to you…_

'I don't wanna be like my Mama…' Umbridge said to no-one in particular. She sat down and thought some more. She remembered Ponytar's face when she had unjustly told him off, and the sadness in those eyes tormented her. He looked so much like she had at that age (minus the white hair and the four pony legs) and the thought sent a solitary tear slipping down her face.

Umbridge brushed it away crossly. 'What? What is dis? Tears _again!_ I am _strong,_ not a soft-hearted lil ****!' she stood up, flexing her muscles. 'I do not have dat kinda weakness. I am wo-man,' she sang, 'hear me…SMASH!'

And she flailed her arms and stomped on the ground for good measure.

At last, feeling more herself, the ex-security officer headed for home.

* * *

><p>'Come, Yaxley,' the tall, blonde dancer Death Eater said. 'If we hurry, we can find the portkey the dark lord has left for us and still meet him in the Ministry in time!'<p>

'Don't you think, Lucius,' Yaxley commented as he hobbled alongside his comrade, 'the Dark Lord will be angry with us for not turning up at his triumphant return?'

'_Calm yourself,_ Yaxley!' Lucius Malfoy interrupted. 'The dark lord knows our readons for not being there that night…'

Yaxley looked at him expectantly.

'What?' Lucius said.

'Which are?'

'It doesn't matter!' Lucius snapped, doing a little twirl and tossing his head. 'It's not important to the story! The point us, we can go rejoin him now, and assist him in rebuilding his empire!'

They continued through the forest in silence, Yaxley striding through the trees, Lucius sashaying with the occasional leap.

'All we need to do is find the portkey,' Lucius said when they reached the clearing, 'so start looking!'

'Gotcha,' Yaxley said, and began to search. The Death Eater frisked through the piles of leaves, lifted logs, then paused.

'Uh, Lucius….what _is_ the portkey we're looking for?'

'Honestly, Yaxley,' Lucius did a high kick in frustration, 'we're looking for a…a…a..just hold on a minute.' He reached into his pocket, and with an exaggerated flourish, pulled out a piece of paper. 'We are looking for…a wardrobe.'

'Gotcha,' Yaxley said. 'Here wardrobe, wardrobe,wardrobe!'

Lucius Malfoy rolled his eyes (and his head). 'What are you doing?'

'Uh, I'm callin' for the wardrobe?'

'You imbecile! Everyone knows wardrobes don't talk! That's closets! Now come on! A wardrobe should stand out a mile in a forest!'

* * *

><p>It was a cloudy morning, and Umbridge and her youngsters were out in the clearing.<p>

The wo-man herself was sitting on the grass, Little Dolores beside her and a cell phone in one hand.

'Now press dat button,' Umbridge told her baby daughter, 'den dat one, den dat one to send…'

'How does this morning find you, my love?' Firenze galloped up, presenting her with wildflowers he had gathered, and putting one in her hair.

'Ssh,' Umbridge said, 'I'm tryin'a teach the chil'rens to text!'

Firenze looked confused- or was the right word _amused_?

'How can they text when they cannot yet read? Or, indeed, speak?'

'Hmhmhmhm….' Umbridge began to laugh, 'hurhurhuhur….dur-dur-dur-dur!'

At this moment, Firenze's phone rang. He pulled it out to reveal an odd message:

**_aaaddggw_**

The cenchaur read it out loud twice, trying to get his head round it.

'Yeah, she can't spell, but it's a good start- soon she'll be textin' like her Mama!'

'Fair child,' Firenze stroked the baby's face.

'Huh?' Umbridge suddenly sat up very straight, staring ahead. 'Pony, why's dere a wardrobe in da middle of da forest?'

Firenze turned and looked too. 'How unusual…we have nary seen that before…'

'Go and bring it here,' Umbridge said, 'I wanna hoist it over mah head.'

Firenze stood up to oblige, and Umbridge blew him a kiss as he took a few steps toward the wardrobe.

'Halt! Step away from my portkey!' came a voice.

* * *

><p><strong>Dun dun dun... a cliffhanger(ish). What will Lucius do? Will anyone die? (No. Actually, yes. Actually no. Actually it'll have to be a surprise. But probably no. Unless it's yes. And I'm going to stop arguing with myself in an author's note before I look like a total lunatic.)<strong>

**And for a boss poster of (your choice) Zefron or Team Jacob (minus the horcrux or Pettigrew, unless you'd like them of course) or of something else, who saves the day?**


	12. Get 'im, Ma!

**Thank you again, everyone! Special thanks to arillovesyou22 for reviewing five times! Also to ChloefromMackMalls, MarauderGirl71, justacoolharrypotternerd23 and Avada- and in answer to your review, don't worry, it's not Harry Freaking Potter, never fear! He's off fighting Voldemort at the moment.**

**Boss posters comin' your way...although you'd better hide them from Umbridge. XD**

**And now, chapter 12.**

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><p>Umbridge, Firenze and the three little ponies all gaped as Lucius Malfoy leapt majestically out from behind a tree, followed by a rather embarrassed looking Yaxley.<p>

Umbridge's jaw dropped. 'Lucius Malfoy?'

Lucius blinked. 'Er, I don't believe I've had the pleasure,' he said, for he had not yet travelled back in time and made a deal with Umbridge.

'You failed me, Lucius Malfoy! I got you dat Harry Potter, and you di'n help me get Du…'

'What are you on about, you deranged man? We've never met before! Now all of you get back, or I will be forced to curse you!'

Umbridge was raging. 'Man? WHAT! I am WOMAN! HEAR ME SMASH!' As she began to stomp, Lucius, who had come to the conclusion that Umbridge was insane, brandished his wand.

'All of you step away! No-one comes in between,' he did a couple of quick pirouettes, 'Lucius Malfoy and his evil plans!'

'Uh, yeah!' Yaxley said, because he felt he wasn't contributing much.

'I will unite with the dark lord, and I shall have my share in his world domination!'

'Yeah!' said Yaxley.

'And no-one's gonna stop me!'

'Yeah!' said Yaxley.

'Quiet, Yaxley,' Lucius snapped, 'you're embarrassing me.'

'Yea…uh, sorry,' said Yaxley.

'Now,' Lucius waved his arm, 'step aside, and I shall…oh ****! My dancing feet!'

Umbridge's eyes opened to double their usual size. Malfoy Senior was hopping about on one foot, howling in pain from the enormous rock that had been hurled at him.

Grinning, Ponytar hoisted a second rock over his head and heaved it at the Death Eaters.

Umbridge's face alternated between gapes and swells of pride.

'Dat's mah boy!'

Lucius drew his wand and pointed it at the child. 'How daaare you!' he said, pointing his toes and flexing his foot. 'Prepare to die…strange centaur baby thing!'

Umbridge's mouth tightened into such a thin line it was practically invisible, and her eyes were almost bulging out of their sockets.

With a mighty roar she charged across to Lucius Malfoy, headbutting him violently.

'Uh-uh! No _way! _No _how!_ No man THREATENS MAH CHIL'RENS!'

Lucius was beginning to get on his feet again, but the enraged Umbridge was quick to punch him in the face.

'Dat's for threatening mah baby pony!'

She headbutted him a second time.

'And dat's to show who's boss roun' here! You disrespect an Umbridge- and you die!'

'Get 'im, Ma!' Umbridge Junior shrieked.

Her Mama intended to do just that, and made a lunge for Malfoy's throat.

Lucius began to crawl for the wardrobe as fast as he could, Umbridge holding onto his ankle in a vice-like grip. Ponytar grabbed onto his other ankle, earning a smile from Umbridge.

'Lucius!' Yaxley took hold of his associate's hand and, despite the additional weight of Umbridge and the child, started to drag him. At once, the doors of the wardrobe blew open, and Umbridge and the baby were flung back by the force.

Lucius and Yaxley scrambled into the portkey, the doors shut and the whole lot vanished.

Once again, Umbridge ended up flat on her face. She blew a stray strand of hair out of her eyes and glared at the spot where the wardrobe and the Death Eaters had been,

'Dammit!' she said, wondering where Hermione Granger was when you needed someone to kick in the face.

'Dey got away! And me an' Ralph nearly had 'em, too…' as she said this, the woman looked around.

'Ralph? Ponytar? Ralph!' Umbridge yelled. A few yards away, Ponytar (or was it Ralph?) sat up in the grass, looking a little dazed.

Umbridge tore across the clearing and snatched him up into her muscly arms.

'You DYNAMITE, boy! You one red hot titanium baby- with DIAMOND TEETH! Look atchou! You knocked down dem chubby lil ****s like a real Umbridge!'

And from that moment onwards, Ponytar became Ralph- forever.

Despite the fact that Lucius had escaped her clutches, her son's efforts had proved him to be a true Umbridge, and she never again saw- or wanted to see- any slight resemblance to Firenze. True, he reminded her of herself- but just like she had, he'd risen above his weakness and become strong.

They'd lost the Death Eaters, but really that was all for the best- for, although they didn't know it, it was fate that Lucius and his comrades would live to travel back in time- indeed, if he didn't, Umbridge would not be standing there now with three children.

'I wonder what would happen,' Umbridge said, still clutching Ralph (formerly called Ponytar) as Firenze and the girls came over, 'if I texted Dumbledohh and told him about all dis- I bet he'd be jealous!'

'I believe he's dead,' Firenze said nonchalantly.

'Huh?' Umbridge had to remember not to drop the baby.

'The star patterns tell us that he was killed- or that he went to Mars on a lion- I got my star signs a bit mixed up there and I'm not sure which is true…'

'Oh well,' Umbridge said. 'I never liked him anyway.'

* * *

><p><strong>Well, this may seem like an ending, but as Lucius Malfoy would say, it's not over yet! One or two things are yet to be resolved...including the predicament of poor Little D.<strong>

**And, in our final chapter, we will have some very special guests! Can you guess who they are? If you can, I shall send you a Mirror of Erised to make all your dreams come true. And many other fabulous gifts :D My above comment may serve as a little clue. Possibly.**

**Thank you all, as always! Reviews make me smile!**


	13. Epilogue: Pigfarts, guests and centaurs

**Thank you everyone! Pressies to: murphy, who gets redvines as requested, Eclipsia Black, son (twice!) ChloefromMackMalls, Jenny123, justacoolharrypotternerd23, Forbidden Black Rose, MarauderGirl71**

**And, mountains of thanks to everyone who reviewed, favourited, alerted or a combination of these over the course of this story!  
>I, gypsy rosalie, hereby invite you all to an end-of-the-fic party, where there will be copious delicious snacks, music, celebration...and no, Umbridge is not invited. <strong>_WHAT? PARTY? UMBRIDGE NOT INVITED? *_scuffling sounds are heard*

*This fic is currently having technical difficulties, just adjusting...*

_Attention, all fanfic readers. Dis Umbridge. De author of dis story is currently indisposed for some serious tough lovin', for breakin' one of mah three simple rules, and so, guess who gets to tell the story now? Me! Your Mama! Umbridge! And we gonna be proceedin' MAH WAY! We gonna be proceedin'...THE UMBRIDGE WAY!_

* * *

><p><em>So, what really happened was...dat Ralph- dat's mah lil pony boy, and me- Umbridge, we got dose Death Eaters. And we got 'em good. Den everyone said, dat Umbridge, she really is cool! And dey made me Headmaster o' Hogwarts again, and all da chil'rens loved me, and mah boyfwen Firenze and mah baby ponies applied to da Ministry for me to be made Minister for Magic, and den...<em>

**Oh, look, Umbridge, a cheesecake! No, no, everyone, that's not what happened at all! Now Umbridge is distracted, we can get on with what REALLY happened. Here goes.**

**Oh, and if you're not familiar with the guests in the story, feel free to skip the first chunk of this chapter and make your way to the more Umbridge-centric bits that follow.**

* * *

><p>'What did I miss? What did I miss?' No sooner had the Death Eaters vanished with the portkey, than Draco Malfoy came trotting up, Luna in tow.<p>

'You!' Umbridge glared. 'Did you' Daddy send you?'

Draco looked a little confused.

'No, no,' Firenze said. 'Little D, I summoned you two to meet here, for I have some wondrous news- we foresaw last night that your rocketship shall arrive to take you to Mars- today!'

Draco gasped. Then he gaped.

Then he fainted.

'Oh dear,' Luna said. 'He's fallen under some sleeping spell. I suspect nargles…oh, look up there!'

Everyone gazed in total awe of the giant ship that was slowly beaming down. Firenze looked smug. Umbridge gathered all her children close to her, bit a part of her was wondering how heavy a ship like that really was, and how much effort it would take to lift it.

The group took a deep breath as the door to the ship opened in a cloud of steam.

'We're here to get the job done!' said a triumphant voice, and a strange, large, red insect-like creature leaped out, hand in hand with a blonde bimbo girl.

'Wow, is this really earth?' asked the insect.

'Oh, Bug,' the girl said, 'Now we're on earth, we can go shopping, and you can pay to buy me clothes!'

Luna was the first to speak. 'Are you professors from Pigfarts?'

'Professors? You mean, like, teachers? Ew!' the bimbo girl cried.

'February and I are starship rangers!' Bug said, puffing his chest out proudly, 'And we're here…'

'We'r here to collect the lucky son of a bitch, Draco Malfoy,' said a rather gruff-sounding Mexican voice. The fury in this voice rather startled Firenze and Luna, until the speaker emerged, and was revealed to be a rather short young woman who stood in a violent pose, dark hair standing on end.

'Where is de kid?' she demanded.

'He fainted,' Firenze replied.

The short, violent girl looked rather annoyed. She charged over to the unconscious elf-boy and kicked him.

'Wake up, chu lazy bastard! Chu gotta be TOUGH, chu hear?'

Draco opened his eyes.

'Holy cow!' the girl proceeded to swear a string of foreign words and jump back, staring at him. 'Where'd chu get my face from?'

'Now, now, Taz,'' came another surly voice, 'he's just havin' a little sleepy time…'

Tax groaned loudly. 'Up! Don't go all soft on me again! What happened to de strong son-of-a-bitch who killed dose giant insects with his heart?'

Little Draco, still reeling from the fainting experience and from being kicked, swaggered up to Taz.

'Excuse me, but that's the face of Malfoy you're wearing.'

Taz raised an eyebrow and considered punching him out, bit after studying her doppelganger, decided against it.

'Yeah, I know, is kinda freaky, but, I gotta admit, even though chu are a lil sissy boy, my face looks…kinda cute on you…'

Draco blushed, flattered. 'You really think so?'

Taz opened her mouth to answer but a shrill exclamation cut her off.

'Woah! Woah! Why's that kid look like Taz? What is this scary magic?' Up scuttled round to hide behind Taz, who shrugged his hands off her shoulders.

'Toughen up, Up! Chu never used to be afraid of a lil freakish DNA! The old Up laughed in de face of danger, and was never afraid of a challenge, like…like her!'

She pointed to Umbridge, who was busy trying to lift the starship, without much success. The wo-man turned and noted that she was being pointed at.

'WHO DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE!' she stormed back across. 'You wanna die, weird lil Mohawk guurl?'

'I like her,' Taz said. 'She one tough bitch. Can we take her too?'

'Naw, let's just get outta here!' Up said, quaking at the sight of Umbridge, who he noticed looked uncannily like him. 'This place is givin' me the heebie-jeebies!'

Taz groaned again. 'Don't make me hit chu!'

Up began to apologise when a fist connected with his face, knocking him out.

'Got it!' Umbridge said.

Taz looked impressed. 'I like your spunk! Do you train?'

'Well,' Umbridge began, 'when I was a young young'un, mah Mama Umbridge said to me, _Dolores,_ she said, _Dolores Jane Umbridge, you put down dat cheesecake, and you get up off dat couch, guurl, get on up…_and den I grabbed anything dat I could find, and I HOISTED it over mah HEAD….'

'Sounds like quite a workout,' Taz said, 'so what, you just pick things up, and…'

'Er, guys,' Bug cut in, 'I hate to interrupt, but I just got a call from the Overqueen- I need to get back to the Bug World right away, so we'll have to start off now.'

February looked forlornly at the credit card she had procured, and stuffed it back into her pocket before following Bug onto the ship.

'Okay, let's get de kids on board,' Tax said, 'we can drop 'em off on de way.'

Luna pranced onto the starship, followed by Draco, who slid up the platform.

'My dream is coming true,' he said, casting his eyes skywards. 'The reign of Malfoy is drawing n…'

'Yeah, yeah, get in,' Taz said impatiently, hauling him inside. The starship door began to close.

Up, still sprawled on the grass, opened his eyes as the hatch began to rise.

'Wait for me!' he cried, jumping onto the closing platform and scrambling inside the ship. 'Waaait!'

* * *

><p>Umbridge took a step back towards Firenze as the ship proceeded to lift off, her blonde curls blowing in her face.<p>

'Dat Taz,' she said to her centaur boyfriend, 'she's cool- like me.'

'Indeed,' Firenze said, putting his arm round her shoulders, 'although not nearly as strong.'

Umbridge looked immensely pleased with herself. 'I nearly hoisted dat spaceship over mah head too…'

* * *

><p>'It is a special evening in the Cenchaur Tree Village,' Firenze said to his kinsmen, and to Umbridge, who had all three of her children asleep in her strong arms.<p>

'First of all, we farewell the magnificent Little D, who traverses to Mars this night.'

The centaurs lifted their arms and waved to the tiny dot of the starship as it streaked across the sky.

'Second, it has been foreseen that within the next few weeks, Harry Potter shall be successful over the Dark Lord!'

Umbridge booed, but the sound was drowned out by the cheers of the centaurs.

'And lastly, appreciation of the fair Umbridge, who has given us the greatest gift of all- a new generation.' He indicated the babies Umbridge was holding. 'The first, perhaps, of many to come.'

The centaurs all applauded, and Umbridge blew them kisses.

'Hurhurhur, dur-dur-dur, thank youu, thank youu, thank…wait, what was dat about many more?'

* * *

><p>Umbridge and Firenze smiled as they put the sleeping babies in their beds and headed out into the living room.<p>

'Um, Pony?' Umbridge began, 'what was dat you said about many more chil'rens?'

'Well,' Firenze said, 'of course, when you bear us the next litter of hybrids…'

Umbridge looked horrified. 'Huh? What? Nooo! I'm not goin' through dat again! I don't want no more chil'rens! Three is enough!'

And with that she ran out of the house.

'I toldja,' cackled a voice, and the ghost of Mama Umbridge appeared on the sofa. 'Di'n I tell ya of you tol' her dat, dat'd put da fear back in her? Dat'll teach her to sass her Mama and eat cheesecake behind mah back…'

'I think she believed it,' Firenze said, concerned, and dashed out into the forest, leaving the old woman to vanish by herself.

'Fair Umbridge!' he called into the night. 'Come back! It was merely a joke!'

Or was it?

I'll let _**you**_ decide…

And somewhere else far away, in the Felton Tree Village, there...

_Where'd da cheesecake go? Oh, dat's right, I ate it all. Oh, mah Mama was right! I'm a chubby lil ****!_

Oh dear, looks like Umbridge is back. We'd better end it there.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, thank you, everyone. Thank you all. I love you guys. I'll miss you all, but I'll see you all when we go back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts...<strong>

**I have had ideas for new AVPM stories. If you would like me to tag the previews onto the end of this fic, so you can see what they'd be like and vote which I should do, please say so in your review. Thanks muchly. I feel rather sad Snape wasn't in this. Perhaps I'll do one on him later.**

***Opens a pack of redvines and tosses them into the air* Catch, everyone! Redvines for all!**

**And, of course, I'll see you all at that end-of-fic party I was mentioning earlier...Hedwig will send you the invitations so we don't get gatecrashed by Umbridge...unless you want her there, that is...**


End file.
